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Okay... First of all I want to say that I SI... I'm not a perfect person (eventhough I know that that may shock some people here!) and I do have faults... I was never abused. I thank my lucky stars every night that I never had to deal with it, and I will never put up with it from anyone, being man or woman, family or no. On the other hand, I had to listen to abuse every night for two years. My mother was abused by the man whom she loved, whom she called "Husband". We'll call him "Rowan" for the sake of naming him, shall we?
 Rowan and my mother got married; she and he claimed time and again that they loved each other... I was only 10... How was I supposed to know that loving each other wasn't supposed to include screams, broken bones and bruisies? Three things stand out in my mind from the two years that we stayed with him before we left; the first is lying in bed at night and crying until I thought that I had nothing left inside but a little wet rag that was being squeezed in order to get more tears out... The next has to be the Christmas Eve that I slept underneath our porch in order to escape the screams of pain and horror... The last thing I vividly remember was when we left. We went to stay at my grandmother's house and he called... I cryed when he called us... He said he was going to murder my kittens and burn our things if we didn't come home... So we went back the next day, got our stuff (mind you, he had gotten into my room and broken my tv, mirror and ceramic figurines that my REAL father had given me)... And then never looked back when we ran.
We haven't seen him since. Rowan is out of our lives, except for the horrid memories that still float to the surface every now and again. I have to deal with these, even though they are past and no one thinks that they can hurt me now... Sometimes, though, when the pain gets to be too much... All I can do to let it out is to cut myself... or burn myself... So I can feel again. I don't like what I do; I don't do it for attention, and I don't do it because I want to... I do it because I feel I need to... Because it's either that, or I burst out crying from all the repressed emotion that I have inside... And this is eaiser than crying, for me. I don't think I'm masochistic, because I don't like the way that the pain feels... I KNOW it hurts and I KNOW that I'm going to have scars, but you see... I don't care. I don't do this to for attention (as I've said) or to, in some twisted way, make myself feel pretty... I hate my body and it hates me... I cut myself, I burn myself and I'm a recovering anorexic... I still have battles with that everyday... Deciding whether or not I'm going to eat becomes a life and death matter to me... Some days, I don't want to get out of bed because I fear that the pain is going to be too much to bear... But... There is a bright side to all of this, no matter how dark and gloomy it may seem so far...
The bright and sunny side to all this pain that is reflected in my story is that I'm getting better and I'm getting help. I am going to "therapy" once a week (which, I think, is not enough) and I've attempted to stop cutting myself. As of today (approx... I'm not sure, so let's just say today) it's been two months sice I cut myself last. I think that if you ask a few of my friends, they can give you the date because they know it, but they don't know that they know it... I'm trying really hard to stop and I know that some day I just might get there... One can only hope to get better from a sickness such as this... All I know is that it is going to be a struggle for me until I die or until I let go of all my repressed emotions that are holding me back... I think, though, some day I'll be okay. Someday... That day is on the horizion, but slow in coming.
March 18th 2002
I feel really bad; only a few hours ago I told you all that I hadn't SIed in two months... I broke down again tonight and did it again. I'm not sorry that I did it, I'm just sorry that I broke my two month of no SI... So I guess I'll have to start all over again. Wish me luck!
March 19th 2002
I want everyone to be happy for me okay? I talked to my nurse at school about getting some help for Si-ing... And I'm going to talk with a councellor today during my French III class... I really hope that this goes well... PLease let this be a lesson to anyone out there who SI-s... You're NOT alone and you CAN get help... Blessed Be and may the Goddess watch and keep you safe.
March 20th, 2002
I AM WEAK.
March 31st, 2002
I was doing good... I hadn't SI-ed since the last date in here... The 20th... 10 days. I was doing so good. But I broke down yesterday. I thought that my boyfriend was upset with me, and I slice my palm open. I'm sorry.
April 2nd, 2002
Yeah, another one... Last night.
April 13th, 2002
Not since the 1st... 12 whole days... I'm so proud of myself! Be happy for me!!!! Prom is about a month away... I'm thinking that this is the reason why I'm not doing it, but maybe I am finally getting better.
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